What to do with unpleasant feelings and body sensations

Avoiding our inner experiences doesn’t work

Clients come to me for all sorts of reasons, but they all have something in common: they don’t want to feel how they are feeling. Some clients are so desperate to get rid of their unpleasant feelings and body sensations that they have tried just about everything:

·       They have tried distracting themselves with drugs, food, gambling or more benign distractions such as work or Netflix.

·       They avoid, procrastinate or withdraw from events and challenges.

·       They try to talk themselves out of how they are feeling, plan for anything that could possibly go wrong, or use positive affirmations.

These strategies give short term relief, but those unwanted feelings and body sensations keep coming back, and often the strategies people use to get rid of them make things worse in the long term.

A counterintuitive solution

I am going to propose something that may seem revolutionary to some, and that is certainly counterintuitive. What if the solution is not running away from pain, but turning towards it? I know, it’s scary. You may fear becoming overwhelmed, perhaps even losing your mind. It requires courage and a leap of faith to go where it hurts.

Why turn towards pain

What I am proposing is that you pay attention to all those uncomfortable feelings and body sensations, with gentle curiosity, because they are cues as to what is amiss in you and how to address it. If you are quite stable you may be able to do this alone. If not, you would likely need professional support to safely do this.

I am not suggesting that you mentally relive traumatic experiences, as this can be retraumatising. Neither do I suggest that you ruminate about your past or give free rein to your worry thoughts, as this could take you on a downward spiral. Instead, I’m suggesting that your pay attention to your present experience, what you are noticing right now. Firmly anchored in the present, we can safely look at the past.

Listening to the body with curiosity

This knot in my throat… or this feeling of dread in my body, what is it about? And wait for an answer to come to you, not by thinking, but at a gut level, what does my body know about all this?

This way of listening deeply to yourself, regularly checking with your body for an answer, is called Focusing, and it is a skill that can be taught. It helps bring clarity to what is really going on for us and the best way forward.

The surprising paradox of relief

The paradox is that looking at these uncomfortable inner experiences often makes us feel good, as my clients are often surprised to find out, because there is a release of tension in the body. It is as if the body can finally let go of what is holding because it has been listened to.

Fears about looking inward

Many people fear looking inside themselves, scared that they may find out that they are truly as bad as they were made to believe by their carers. But in my experience, what people tend to find instead is that they are good at their core. This leads to a new way of relating to themselves, with more self-compassion, which has ripples effects in all aspects of their lives. In addition, if they regularly check inside themselves and pay attention to their uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and body sensations, there is no need for the unhelpful strategies they were using to avoid them.

From internal battle to self-connection

Trying not to feel how we feel creates an internal battle. We are at war with parts of ourselves. We are disconnected from our emotions, from our bodies. Regularly checking inwards, on the other hand, leads to self-connection and trust in ourselves, as we grow more confident that we will be able to withstand whatever life throws at us and find our own way forward.

Want to learn more?

If you would like to explore how to listen to yourself in this deep way, you’re welcome to contact me.