You may have grown up in a family where speaking up was discouraged, punished or downright dangerous. Perhaps you were criticised or humiliated when you expressed how you felt. Maybe the slightest disagreement threw your parent into a fit of rage which escalated into physical violence.
You worked out early on that showing vulnerability made you susceptible to abuse so you learned to hide your emotions to protect yourself. It makes sense. It kept you safe then.
Now you’re all grown up, and you are still hiding. You are still terrified to show your true self, convinced that it would only bring rejection. But the strategy that kept you safe as a child is creating all sorts of problems for you in the present.
Consequences of not speaking your truth
It is unlikely that your needs are met if you don’t share your feelings. If you don’t clearly express what you want, how can you expect other people to give it to you? Many people presume their partners are mind-readers. They say to themselves, “If they really loved me, they’d guess what I want.” They often end up disappointed, as in most cases people need us to spell it out.
Hiding how we feel can lead to built-up resentment and disconnection. We miss out on opportunities to address the conflict, know the other person and be known at a deeper level, and come up with a compromise that meets everyone’s needs. Instead, the resentment may grow until it is impossible to contain and there is a blow-up that ends the relationship.
Not showing your true self can leave you feeling lonely, even in close relationships. Because you don’t show your authentic self, you don’t feel truly seen, understood and accepted. Deep down you fear that if they knew the real you, they would reject you. So, you have these people, but you feel alone.
At a bodily level, silencing yourself can create tension. A lot of energy is directed towards repressing yourself, energy that could be better used to express yourself. Take a few moments to ask yourself, “What would it be like if I could be myself?”. Chances are that you’d feel lighter, more carefree and playful.
How to be more authentic
Would you like to be your authentic self, but feel that fear stops you? Here are some approaches that could help:
1. Learn to separate your parent’s view of you from who you really are.
Children internalise their parents’ feedback to form their own sense of self. Parents are the mirror where children look to see who they are. If the mirror is broken, that is, if the parents have issues that prevent them from being attuned to the child, the child sees a distorted image of themselves. This can lead to a negative self-concept that is carried into adulthood.
When you notice negative self-talk, take a minute to question its validity. “Is this self-judgment a true depiction of myself or is it my parent talking?”. Looking back at our parent’s circumstances and history may also help you see that how they reacted to you growing up was more about them than about you.
Separating your parent’s view of you from your self-concept may take time, and it may need professional help. With an attuned therapist you may increasingly feel that you are OK as a person, that your needs are valid, and that it’s OK to express them.
2. Get to know yourself at a deep level.
The more you learn about yourself, about how you feel, what you need, and why you over-react to situations, the easier it would be to share it with others. Self-understanding will likely also lead to self-acceptance, making authenticity feel safer.
Practising mindfulness can help with this. You can do this informally, trying to be more present in every situation, and formally, perhaps with guided meditations from Apps.
Another way of developing this awareness is through learning Focusing. Focusing is the process of checking deep within yourself for a bodily felt sense of an issue and allowing that inner knowing to guide you towards the next best step.
3. Learn how to communicate in a way that promotes connection.
Speak from the heart, about your feelings and needs and avoid judgment. If doing this doesn’t come naturally, you can try following Marshall Rosenberg’s model of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).
4. Experiment. Start small.
Pick people and situations where it feels easier to speak up. As you gain confidence that speaking up doesn't always result in the rejection you fear, often the opposite, you can work your way up to the hardest situations. You can even create a list of situations and order it according to difficulty.Once you feel confident in one situation, you can tick it off and move to the next.
Of course, there are obviously situations where it is not safe to speak up, such as in domestic violence. The suggestions here are for when you are no longer in real danger.
Moving forward
Being true to yourself takes courage and practice. Starting small, getting to know yourself, and finding new ways of communicating can all make a difference. For some people, exploring these steps with a therapist provides extra support and a safe space to practice authenticity. I would be happy to accompany you in this journey.
