What is your communication style — and why that matters
Passive, aggressive and assertive communication explained
The way we communicate shapes our relationships and even how we feel about ourselves. Most of us didn’t choose our communication style consciously — we learned it along the way, often as a way to stay safe, or avoid conflict.
Communication styles are commonly described as passive, aggressive, or assertive. Each style affects how we express needs, handle conflict, and experience relationships — often without realising it. We may recognise ourselves strongly in one style, or move between them depending on the situation. What matters is not labelling ourselves, but understanding the impact each style has on us and on others.
What is a passive communication style?
People who communicate passively often struggle to speak up. They may speak softly, avoid eye contact, minimise their needs, or agree with others even when something doesn’t feel right inside. Their body language can look withdrawn — slouching, little facial expression, pulling back rather than taking up space.
Passive communication usually comes from a desire to avoid conflict or to keep others happy. People who communicate this way often prioritise other people’s needs over their own. On the surface it can look kind or easy-going, but internally it often comes at a cost.
The result of communicating passively:
Your needs are less likely to be met because they are not clearly expressed
Boundaries remain unclear or are crossed
Resentment and frustration build over time
A sense of invisibility or low self-worth can develop
Goals may remain unreachable
The underlying message of this style is often: “You’re okay, I’m not.”
What is an aggressive communication style?
Aggressive communication is almost the opposite. It can involve speaking loudly, interrupting, staring, using intimidating expressions, or invading others’ personal space. The focus is on being heard, being right, or staying in control.
This style is often driven by fear too — fear of being ignored, hurt, or powerless — even if it looks confident from the outside. Aggressive communication tends to push strongly for one’s own needs to be met, sometimes with little regard for the needs of others.
The result of communicating aggressively:
Your needs may be met in the short term
The other person’s needs are often overlooked or dismissed
Others may feel intimidated, shut down, or defensive
Relationships may feel strained and full of friction
Goals may be achieved, but at the cost of connection
The underlying message here tends to be: “I’m okay, you’re not.”
What is an assertive communication style?
Assertive communication sits in the middle. It involves speaking openly and clearly, using a calm conversational tone, making appropriate eye contact, and matching facial expression to the message. The body is more relaxed and open, and there is space for both people in the interaction.
Assertiveness doesn’t mean being forceful or dominant — it means being honest without causing harm. It involves holding your needs as just as important as the other person’s, and expressing them clearly and respectfully.
The result of communicating assertively:
Both people’s needs are more likely to be heard and considered
There is more opportunity to negotiate and find workable solutions
Mutual respect and trust grow
Self-respect and confidence strengthen
Goals are more often reached without damaging relationships
The message underneath assertiveness is: “I’m okay, you’re okay.”
A communication style that works for you
Your communication style affects how safe others feel with you — and how safe you feel being yourself. Passive communication can slowly hurt you. Aggressive communication can hurt others and leave you disconnected. Assertive communication aims to protect everyone’s needs and promotes connection.
Your way of communicating isn’t set in stone. With awareness, practice, and sometimes support, it’s possible to develop a more assertive communication style — one that honours your needs while respecting those of others.
If you notice patterns that leave you feeling unheard, resentful, or disconnected, it can be a sign that your needs need more attention. Learning assertive communication is less about following scripts and more about tuning in to yourself first. Therapy can provide a supportive space to explore this and develop a clearer, more confident way of expressing yourself. You can take the first step today by booking an appointment.