Sometimes we understand quite well why we feel the way we do, yet still find ourselves struggling with the same emotions or patterns.
We might recognise where our anxiety comes from, understand how past experiences have shaped us, or notice that we keep responding to situations in familiar ways. This understanding can be important, but sometimes knowing why we feel something isn't enough. We may also need to connect with what is happening inside us and explore it in a different way.
Different ways of experiencing
There are different ways we can engage with our experiences. Sometimes we talk about what happened, explain our feelings or try to make sense of a situation from a distance. At other times, we become more closely connected with what we are feeling as we explore it.
For example, someone might say:
“I get really anxious when I think someone is upset with me. I know it's probably because I grew up feeling that I had to keep everyone happy.”
This is an important understanding. But if they pause and pay attention to what is happening inside, they might begin to notice a tightness in their chest, a sense of uneasiness or a fear of disappointing others. They may start to recognise how much responsibility they feel for other people's feelings.
By staying with what they notice, they can begin to develop a more direct connection with their experience. This can bring a different kind of self-understanding: not just knowing why they respond in a certain way, but having a stronger sense of what is happening within them. Over time, this kind of connection can help people feel more grounded and develop greater trust in themselves.
What does research tell us?
Researchers have developed a way of studying this process through the Experiencing Scale, a seven-level scale that measures how people engage with their inner experiences during therapy. It ranges from talking about events and explaining feelings from a distance, to exploring immediate feelings, making new connections and arriving at a deeper understanding of personal experiences.
Research has found an association between higher levels of experiencing and better therapy outcomes. A 2017 meta-analysis by Pascual-Leone and Yeryomenko, which brought together 10 studies involving 406 clients, found that people who engaged more deeply with their experiences tended to show greater improvement.
More recently, Geyer and colleagues (2025) found that increases in experiencing during therapy were associated with greater improvements in psychological distress.
These findings suggest that developing our capacity to connect with and explore our experiences may be an important part of the therapeutic process. It is not necessarily something we need to know how to do before starting therapy; it is something that can be supported and developed along the way.
How Focusing helps us connect with our experiences
One way of developing this connection is through Focusing. It involves slowing down and paying attention to what is happening inside, including the physical sensations and feelings that can be difficult to put into words.
In Focusing, we pay attention to what is sometimes called a felt sense: a bodily sense of a situation or experience as a whole. It might be a heaviness in the chest, a knot in the stomach or a vague feeling that something isn't quite right.
Rather than immediately trying to explain or change it, we take some time to notice it and see what comes. Sometimes a word, image or phrase emerges that captures something about the experience. We can then check whether it feels right or fits with what we are sensing.
When something comes together in this way, there can be what is known as a felt shift. This is a noticeable change in the body, perhaps a softening of tension, a deeper breath, a sense of relief or the feeling that something has settled or shifted. Sometimes, this shift can change how we relate to the situation, opening up possibilities for responding differently.
The process isn't about forcing an emotion or finding an answer. It is about allowing space for something to become clearer in its own time.
From insight to change
Connecting with our experiences doesn't mean we always need to explore difficult emotions or revisit painful memories. Talking things through, reflecting, gaining understanding and learning practical strategies all have their place in therapy.
Sometimes, though, taking the time to notice what is happening inside can help us understand ourselves in a different way. Rather than only knowing about our experiences, we begin to make sense of them from within.
At SelfConnect Psychology Services, I draw on Focusing-Oriented Therapy and other therapeutic approaches to help people explore their experiences and find ways forward that feel meaningful to them.
Sometimes, change begins with taking the time to listen to what is happening inside.
References
Pascual-Leone, A., & Yeryomenko, N. (2017). The client "experiencing" scale as a predictor of treatment outcomes: A meta-analysis on psychotherapy process. Psychotherapy Research, 27(6), 653–665. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2016.1152409
Geyer, D., Lam, V., Gilbert, H., & Cooper, M. (2025). Depth of emotional experiencing and outcome in therapy with young people. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 98(2), 308–321. https://doi.org/10.1111/papt.12537