How to Manage Anger—Yours and Others’

Anger is a valid and useful emotion. We feel anger when we perceive that our boundaries have been violated, and it motivates us to defend ourselves. Feeling anger is not the problem. It is what we do with that anger that gets us in trouble.

Below are some suggestions on how to manage anger (yours and other people’s) in a way that can actually drive people closer. These suggestions are based on Nonviolent Communication, a framework developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg to support clearer, more empathic communication by identifying feelings and needs.

How to manage your anger

Some people are quick to express their anger in aggressive ways: yelling, threatening, hitting, punishing, putting other people down. They may feel like they have lost control and regret it later.

Others may perceive anger as a dangerous emotion and suppress it. This may lead to a build-up of resentment that creates an ever-growing gulf in their relationships.

Both expressing our anger in aggressive ways or not expressing it at all can damage our relationships. There is another option: expressing what is going on for us in an assertive way.

Stimulus vs cause of anger

To express ourselves assertively first we need to distinguish between:

• The stimulus: what another person said or did

• The cause: how I interpreted it (my thoughts of blame and judgment)

Example:
Stimulus — My partner is late.
Interpretation — “They don’t respect me.”

When we are confronted with a behaviour that we don’t like we can choose to focus on what the other person did wrong and be angry, or we can turn inwards and connect with our feelings and needs and express those.

When we become aware of our needs anger tends to dissipate and give way to the emotions that are hiding behind, such as hurt or sadness.

Rosenberg’s 4 steps to express anger

1. Stop. Breathe. Notice your inner experience.

Example: pausing before replying to a harsh comment.

2. Identify your judgemental thoughts.

For example: “They’re so inconsiderate,” “He never listens,” “She’s trying to control me.”

3. Connect with the unmet needs behind those judgments.

Most of us have not been taught to look inwards for what we are really needing. But we can get better at it over time. You can practise writing down the judgements that pop up in your head and then try to find what the unmet needs are behind each of those judgments.

Example:
“She’s never there when I need her” → need for reliability
“He never listens” → need to be heard

4. Express your feelings and unmet needs.

For example: “When you change our plans at the last minute, I feel annoyed because I need predictability.”

Empathising before expressing yourself

Before the other person can really hear you, it may be necessary to empathise with them first, reflecting what they may be feeling and needing. Once they feel heard, they are more likely to empathise with you.

Example:
“It sounds like you were feeling overwhelmed this morning and needed more support—am I getting that right?”

(Empathising is not agreeing. It is acknowledging their inner experience, so connection becomes possible.)

How to respond to someone else’s anger

Don’t listen to the words the angry person is saying. Don’t argue or try to justify yourself. That can fuel the anger.

Instead, empathise to defuse the anger. Listen for the other person’s feelings and needs and reflect those.

Example:
“You never help around the house!”
→ “It sounds like you’re really overwhelmed and need more support—is that right?”

If the other person is too escalated to hear empathy, you may need to take a short break or ensure safety before trying to reconnect.

If managing anger is something you’d like to explore further, I’d be glad to support you.