How to say no (without hurting the relationship)

12 Nov

Written By Isabel Alfonso

Many of us have difficulty saying no. This may be for a variety of reasons:

We may see other people’s needs as more important or more urgent than our own.
We might fear rejection if we don’t comply.
But saying yes when we want to say no comes at a cost—both to us, because our needs are not getting met, and to the relationship, because it often generates resentment towards the other person. Over time, people may even come to expect we will always agree, and then it becomes even harder to set boundaries.

So how can we say no in a way that is honest, respectful, and easier for the other person to hear?

Below is an approach that follows the principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which focuses on mutual understanding—yours and theirs.

1. Validate the other person’s need

Before saying no, it can help to show that you understand what matters to the other person.

“I hear that you’d really like help with the presentation.”
“I can see how important this is for you.”
“It sounds like you were hoping I could look after the kids today.”

This isn’t agreement.
It’s recognition—and recognition can reduce defensiveness.

In NVC, we view another person’s request as a gift: an opportunity to contribute to their well-being.

However, there are moments when this feels impossible—when we feel overwhelmed, irritated, guilty, pressured, or resentful.
In those situations, trying to empathise with the other person first can feel false or forced.

So the first step may be giving yourself empathy:

What am I feeling right now?
What need of mine is touched? Rest? Choice? Respect? Space? Support?

When we connect with our own needs first, even briefly, it becomes easier to meet the other person with clarity rather than reaction. Otherwise, empathy for them can feel like self-abandonment.

Example:

Before responding, someone might internally notice: “I’m feeling stressed and I need some downtime tonight.”
Once grounded in that awareness, they might be able to say:“I understand you’ve got a lot on and support would help.”

Empathy for yourself makes empathy for others easier.

2. Name the need that keeps you from saying yes

When we say no to something, we are saying yes to something else: rest, time, energy, family, deadlines, finances, health, or emotional capacity.

Sharing this can make the no feel less like rejection and more like transparency.

“I need rest tonight.”
“I need time to finish my own work.”
“I need to keep my weekend for family.”

You don’t need a dramatic reason.
You don’t need to apologise for having a need yourself.
Your needs are as important as theirs.

Example:

“I’d love to help, and I also need downtime this evening to recharge. So I won’t be able to take this on.”

3. Offer an alternative that shows you value the relationship

A boundary does not have to be a wall.
Sometimes we can still contribute, just in a different way or at a different time.

“I can’t do today, but I have time later in the week.”
“I won’t be able to proofread the whole document, though I can look at one section.”
“I can’t lend money, but I can sit with you while you sort out what to do next.”

Not every no needs an alternative—but offering one when it feels genuine sends the message:
Your needs matter, and so do mine.

Putting it all together: An example

Request:
“Could you help me move house this Sunday?”

Possible response:

“I know moving is stressful and having an extra pair of hands would make things easier.” (empathy)
“I also need Sunday to rest and catch up on chores.” (your need)
“I won’t be able to help on the day, though I can give you some packing boxes if that helps.” (alternative)

The answer is still no.
But without shutting the other person out.

A gentle reminder

As Marshall Rosenberg said:

“Never do anything for anyone out of guilt, shame, duty, or obligation, because if you do, everybody pays.”

Saying no is not selfish. It’s a form of honesty.
If we say yes while our body is saying no, the connection suffers. If we say no with care, clarity and empathy, relationships often become more authentic.

Boundaries are not barriers—they are the lines that allow us to stay connected without losing ourselves.

Setting boundaries and learning to say no can feel challenging at first. If you’d like support in exploring your needs and strengthening your confidence in communicating them, I’m here to help.

Reach out for support

Isabel Alfonso

How to say no (without hurting the relationship)

Many of us have difficulty saying no. This may be for a variety of reasons:

We may see other people’s needs as more important or more urgent than our own.

We might fear rejection if we don’t comply.

So how can we say no in a way that is honest, respectful, and easier for the other person to hear?

Below is an approach that follows the principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which focuses on mutual understanding—yours and theirs.

1. Validate the other person’s need

Before saying no, it can help to show that you understand what matters to the other person.

“I hear that you’d really like help with the presentation.”

“I can see how important this is for you.”

“It sounds like you were hoping I could look after the kids today.”

This isn’t agreement.It’s recognition—and recognition can reduce defensiveness.

In NVC, we view another person’s request as a gift: an opportunity to contribute to their well-being.

However, there are moments when this feels impossible—when we feel overwhelmed, irritated, guilty, pressured, or resentful.In those situations, trying to empathise with the other person first can feel false or forced.

So the first step may be giving yourself empathy:

What am I feeling right now?

What need of mine is touched? Rest? Choice? Respect? Space? Support?

When we connect with our own needs first, even briefly, it becomes easier to meet the other person with clarity rather than reaction. Otherwise, empathy for them can feel like self-abandonment.

Example:

Before responding, someone might internally notice: “I’m feeling stressed and I need some downtime tonight.”Once grounded in that awareness, they might be able to say:“I understand you’ve got a lot on and support would help.”

Empathy for yourself makes empathy for others easier.

2. Name the need that keeps you from saying yes

When we say no to something, we are saying yes to something else: rest, time, energy, family, deadlines, finances, health, or emotional capacity.

Sharing this can make the no feel less like rejection and more like transparency.

“I need rest tonight.”

“I need time to finish my own work.”

“I need to keep my weekend for family.”

You don’t need a dramatic reason.You don’t need to apologise for having a need yourself.Your needs are as important as theirs.

Example:

“I’d love to help, and I also need downtime this evening to recharge. So I won’t be able to take this on.”

3. Offer an alternative that shows you value the relationship

A boundary does not have to be a wall.Sometimes we can still contribute, just in a different way or at a different time.

“I can’t do today, but I have time later in the week.”

“I won’t be able to proofread the whole document, though I can look at one section.”

“I can’t lend money, but I can sit with you while you sort out what to do next.”

Not every no needs an alternative—but offering one when it feels genuine sends the message:Your needs matter, and so do mine.

Putting it all together: An example

Request: “Could you help me move house this Sunday?”

Possible response:

“I know moving is stressful and having an extra pair of hands would make things easier.” (empathy)

“I also need Sunday to rest and catch up on chores.” (your need)

“I won’t be able to help on the day, though I can give you some packing boxes if that helps.” (alternative)

The answer is still no.But without shutting the other person out.

A gentle reminder

As Marshall Rosenberg said:

“Never do anything for anyone out of guilt, shame, duty, or obligation, because if you do, everybody pays.”

Saying no is not selfish. It’s a form of honesty.If we say yes while our body is saying no, the connection suffers. If we say no with care, clarity and empathy, relationships often become more authentic.

Boundaries are not barriers—they are the lines that allow us to stay connected without losing ourselves.

Setting boundaries and learning to say no can feel challenging at first. If you’d like support in exploring your needs and strengthening your confidence in communicating them, I’m here to help.

Why many people are choosing somatic therapies such as Focusing

SelfConnect Psychology Services

This isn’t agreement.
It’s recognition—and recognition can reduce defensiveness.

However, there are moments when this feels impossible—when we feel overwhelmed, irritated, guilty, pressured, or resentful.
In those situations, trying to empathise with the other person first can feel false or forced.

Before responding, someone might internally notice: “I’m feeling stressed and I need some downtime tonight.”
Once grounded in that awareness, they might be able to say:“I understand you’ve got a lot on and support would help.”

You don’t need a dramatic reason.
You don’t need to apologise for having a need yourself.
Your needs are as important as theirs.

A boundary does not have to be a wall.
Sometimes we can still contribute, just in a different way or at a different time.

Not every no needs an alternative—but offering one when it feels genuine sends the message:
Your needs matter, and so do mine.

Request:
“Could you help me move house this Sunday?”

The answer is still no.
But without shutting the other person out.

Saying no is not selfish. It’s a form of honesty.
If we say yes while our body is saying no, the connection suffers. If we say no with care, clarity and empathy, relationships often become more authentic.